I just got this hilarious email from my elementary school teacher Andrew Li. It is an "alleged" news report from a mainland Chinese reporter. Here's a screen shot of the document displaying via abiword:

(I am putting it as a screen shot because 1) I got it as a Microsoft Word file which I don't want to put on my web page 2) It is too much a hassle to copy all of that text and put it into unicode to insert in my blog 3) not that many people who read my blog will need the original Chinese text anyway.)

Here's a translation:

Chinamen won't hit Chinabear

Li Dong Hong reports from Taipei: Lian Zhan, Chair of KMT, politician, and educator, won for the Taiwanese people a pair of pandas from his visit to the mainland. The people of the island responded overwhelmingly in a positive tone, comparing their desire for the "pandas to come out of the forest" to primeval desires for the moon and the stars, and furthermore explaining their wishes that the pandas are delivered "directly from their place of origin" with "pure broth and flavor" [Ed: direct translation here... probably a snide comment on the Chinese people's habit of eating everything under the sun] straight to the Taipei City zoo.

It is also the understanding of the reporter that there are some opposition to the panda's return visit [Ed: as in: Chairman Lian visited the motherland, so now we need to send two pandas to visit Taiwan as courtesy] from within the island. Not only do they attach impure motives such as "unification propaganda" to the innocent panda and claim that a visit by pandas carries an ulterior motive of lowering Taiwan's status internationally, they also claim that pandas, being endangered species, will not live happily in a zoo, and hence the visit is against the wishes of the Taiwanese people. It is regretted that people would hold such views.

According to insider information, during this visit of the mainland conducted by Chairman Lian, he constantly hoped for an offer of "beef" by our government [Ed: no idea what "beef" actually is. I haven't been following cross-strait politics lately. "our government" here is obviously that of mainland china]. He once even expressed dissatisfaction to our offer of "panda meat" [Ed: literal translation. Another snide comment on the Chinese eating habit]. But according to our governmental sources, even though "panda meat" is nowhere near as tasty as beef, it is a significant offering since that while it is possible to die from Mad Cow Disease from eating beef, such thing is not possible from panda meat and that panda meat can even be life-saving.

Insiders pointed out that "The Chinese won't wage war against the Chinese" has always been the immutable platform of the Communist Party. Even though the pandas given to Taiwan are not official Party Members, they are still true "Chinabear" from inside out. To show the progressive attitudes of the party, the policy of "Chinese won't wage war against the Chinese" will be extended to include "Chinaman won't attack Chinabear". Furthermore, the panda is the national animal of China, and also an endangered species, so the Ballistic Missile Force deployed at the coast of Fu-Jien province has already received command that, after the pandas have safely arrived in Taiwan, the active target area will now exclude a five kilometer radius around the panda-habitat.

According to Taiwanese media, currently several different zoos and habitats are fighting Taipei City Zoo for the right to keep the pandas. As a result, the real-estate industry are also keeping a close eye on the whereabouts of the pandas. The moment the dust settles (and the pandas settle also), the industry will develop "Anti-Ballistic Missile Special Area" with the help of the zoo, focusing on the prospect of not being threatened by Chinese ballistic missiles. If the Taipei Zoo should win the rights to keep the panda, the industry estimates that the real-estate prices will increase at least four-fold, with up to 6-fold increase in selected areas. Taipei City Government said that it will keep a close eye on developments and strictly enforce zoning laws. It also pledged to upgrade the medium-capacity MetroTransit system in the zoo-area to a high-capacity MagLev system.

According to informants among the Taiwanese people, the Taiwan government had already built a 2-meter concrete wall around Ai-Guo East Rd, Chung Ching South Road, and Park Street of Taipei City. The area is currently named Chung-Ai Park, and is competing with the City Zoo for panda-rights. The area used to be the "presidential residence" for Taiwan province. If the pandas should move in, the building will be open for tourism. The "president" will relocate to an undisclosed location, but reliable information shows that the undisclosed location will be within one kilometer of Chung-Ai Park. Since within five kilometer of Chung-Ai Park is the nucleus of Taiwanese government including the presidential residence, the parliament building, and the state department, which functions similarly to the Chung-Nan-Hai area of Beijing, the People's Liberation Army has already started investigating the possibility that the pandas arrival will provide disruption to long-standing plans of cross-strait invasion.

Reliable sources said that our government in effort to prevent the pandas becoming pawns in Taiwanese political trap and "get-out-of-jail-free-card" for Taiwanese politicians, will announce in the near future several "opinions relating to the panda visit of Taiwan". The "opinions" will request that the pandas reside at least 10 kilometers away from the Taiwanese "president". It also asks the Taiwanese government to stop shooting itself in the foot, and keep "politics to politics, pandas to pandas".